Bob's Diner

Become a member of Elftown
What is Elftown?

Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 287

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
Informative:	0
Artistic:	0
Funny-rating:	0
Friendly:	17

(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2018-06-26 [Mortified Penguin]: ARE YOU THE ONE THAT STOLE MY STOVE?! That stove cost $699...

*starts punching the Hero of Igor while still choking the Ways of Side with his other two hands*

2018-06-26 [Nuktae-tal]: *takes pictures for commemorating*

2018-06-27 [Pied Crow]: Fine, take 'em. Saves me the trouble of finding a fence.

2018-06-27 [Angel In Red]: Unsubscribe me. Thanks.

2018-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm sorry, but without the proper cancellation phrase, there's nothing I can do. Corporate has really been coming down hard on me lately for not spamming enough. Wish I could do more to help you. :(

2018-06-27 [Sagacious Turkey]: *scrupulously monitors the diner from his corporate blimp, while clutching his sniper rifle*

2018-06-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Yyyyaaaaayyyy more people posting shit!!!

2018-06-28 [Mortified Penguin]: Y'know, you people could do some spamming too, so I don't have to be the only one spamming and harassing gullible morons. ESPECIALLY YOU, YURI.

2018-06-29 [Yuriona]: No.

2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: I'd try to say I'm too passive to spam, but I also said I'd never say much. Yet, here I am saying many things, even things that shouldn't be said.

2018-06-29 [Pied Crow]: Oh. I had a chance to advertise the diner a few days ago, but I didn't want to look like a hawker.

2018-06-30 [Glassphyxie.]: Holy Jesus I can't believe this place is still active.

2018-06-30 [Pied Crow]: They say the gravitational pull of TheBD is so strong, no one can truly leave forever.

Wait, wrong site.

2018-06-30 slamdunkjesus: i'm trying to hatch these eggs to no avail. i think we need softer toilet paper

2018-06-30 [Nuktae-tal]: I CAN'T BELEIVE IT'S NOT BUTTER?!

2018-07-02 [Pied Crow]: Perhaps try putting one of them in your shoe and singing some MJ?

2018-07-02 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: The gravitational pull of Misty is what keeps us all here. That and my submachine gun. *pats old Tommy on the barrel*

2018-07-02 [Mortified Penguin]: This diner needs more diversity. I'm sick of Yuri being the only black man we have around here.

*goes to launch Bob's Diner t-shirts at migrant boats to advertise*

*runs out of shirts and starts launching Bob's Diner rock potatoes instead*

*one of the migrant boats labeled "Coast Guard" starts inexplicably sinking*

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: Now you've done it... all their cell phones will be ruined and they will have to actually talk to their wives!

2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *the boat explodes*

I don't think that'll be a problem.

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: You are corrected sir! Now they will have to deal without everything in hell!

2018-07-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *their souls start ascending upward, toward the heavens, as they were all pious men, even Jimmy, who stabbed a man once*

I don't think that'll be a problem.

2018-07-03 [Nuktae-tal]: *uses giant butterfly net to trap them in pickle jars still full of pickles.* well now it is!!

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *pours some hot sauce in the jar and slaps a "gourmet ghost peppers" label on it*

*tosses the entire jar into the soup*

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *tests soup* still needs more dog. *throws in a stewing dog*

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Your mom is a dog! *slam dunks your mom into the soup*

And that's why they call me Slam Dunk Jesus™.

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: I thought you were Slam Dunk Satan. Guess not.

2018-07-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Speaking of slamming! 'MURICA FOURTH OF JULY!! EAGLES AND FALSE FREEDOM AND SHIT!

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: I used to be Home Run Allah, but I converted.

*a swarm of bald eagles (not to be confused with Bald Eagles, these are just pigeons with alopecia... and I lied about the eagles part...) fly in and start pecking Misty's so-called face*

2018-07-04 [Yuriona]: *applauds*

2018-07-04 [Mortified Penguin]: *appalleds*

2018-07-05 [Yuriona]: appalacian?

2018-07-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Application denied!!

2018-07-05 [Pied Crow]: Pfft, scavengers...

*returns to eating animal crackers and stepping on people crackers*

2018-07-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't mock our beloved eagle friends. We here at Bob's Aviary and Unrelated Chicken Wing Restaurant respect all bi- *swats a condor out of the air with a tennis racket* FUCK OFF, PTERODACTYL! NOBODY LOVES YOU!

2018-07-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *cries* I loved him and now he is dead!!

2018-07-06 [Pied Crow]: Hey, noo, don't do that! The condor is somehow the phoenix!

Guys, we need to pool our money so we can hire mercenaries to protect the condor!

2018-07-08 [Mortified Penguin]: *the condor decomposes*

2018-07-09 [Pied Crow]: Failed. Guess we gotta do the fighting ourselves!

Which one of you is the wannabe hero?

2018-07-09 [Yuriona]: *points vaguely in a direction* That guy!

2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Why, it's Carlos! That junkie that sleeps in the alley and hassles kids on their way home from school for drug money!

*Carlos shoots up some pure Oxyclean and passes out on [Yuriona]'s car... heroically*

*meanwhile, the condor is just a pile of sun bleached bones on the counter*

Somebody turn down the lights...

2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: Ooohh!! The car or the bird bones? Ah, I can't decide!

2018-07-10 [Pied Crow]: No, wait, I mean-- Legendary hero Carlooooos! You must defeat the MPK (Mortified Penguin King)!

...

Yeah, you!

2018-07-10 [Mortified Penguin]: Huh?! *rushes over and starts bashing Carlos's lifeless body/Yuri's car with a baseball bat*

2018-07-10 [Yuriona]: Hey! At least use a maple wood bat!

2018-07-11 [Pied Crow]: What! N-Nooooo!! Not the vehicle!!!

*embraces the condor's decaying bones for comfort!!!!*

2018-07-12 [Mortified Penguin]: 50 days until the end of the friscal year! Just enough time for Yuri to pick up the slack and stop being such a disappointment to me.

2018-07-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *angrily spits at [Yuriona]*

2018-07-12 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the left & dodges* But I enjoy being a disappointment!

2018-07-12 [Nuktae-tal]: I am posting for numbers, I'm trying

2018-07-12 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Try harder!! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!

2018-07-13 [Pied Crow]: But the harder I try, the weirder the things I type out!

The world, it's... Got any codes?

2018-07-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Too weird. You disgust me. *spits at Yuriona again*

2018-07-13 [Yuriona]: *steps lazily to the right* I think perhaps I would be wise to don my rain gear. It seems to be spitting out. *starts looking for her umbrella and galoshes*

2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: You're gonna get your Rain gear because it's spitting? Huh, l see, l see...

2018-07-14 [Yuriona]: What do you see?

2018-07-14 [Pied Crow]: Uhhhhhhh..... Something that isn't really there?

2018-07-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Aren't they the cutest!! I see them all the time!!

2018-07-15 [Pied Crow]: Yes, Nuktae-bird! They're such a cute copyrighted alien race!

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *bursts in and punts one of the aliens into the idling woodchipper in the kitchen*

Get back to work, this is a place of "business"!! Somebody sweep that wall! And mop that broom! And scrape all those invisible chunks off my woodchipper!! *points angrily at the shiny, pristine woodchipper*

2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: How many times will you break my bird hearrrrt!?!

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies! I've broken nothing! *angrily breaks a signed, framed portrait of Godzilla*

2018-07-16 [Pied Crow]: !!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, that probably means it'll be easier to steal. No one'll miss a broken portrait, kehehe.

2018-07-16 [Mortified Penguin]: You'll never get this fake portrait! NEVER! *dives into the woodchipper*

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Huh?! Not so fast!

*turns off the woodchi--*

... How do you turn off a woodchipper?

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just throw it in the woodchipper... AND CLEAN UP THOSE SHREDDED MORT CHUNKS!

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: My sensitive bird heart is heavy from these tragedies, but...all right. In there?

*tosses the woodchipper into the woodchi--*

... How do you turn on a woodchipper?!

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Just plug it in and turn the throttle from turtle to rabbit to cheetah to cheetah with rocket boosters.

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: Well, I can't do it now, I've grown sleepy! Go sustain an endless cycle of woodchipper shredding yourself, this bird's takin' a nap!

2018-07-17 [Pied Crow]: By the way, have I mentioned I'm a bird?

2018-07-17 [Mortified Penguin]: Birds don't sleep, they're cold blooded. I don't think you know anything about birds.

2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Preposterous! You think I don't know anything about my own self?! I know when I've been insulted! I know when I've been insulted!!!

*hops off to address his crow's feet*

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Project Wonderful died! There's no more ad space on Elftown for me to spam... :(

2018-07-18 [Nuktae-tal]: Phhffffff!!! Nnnooooo!! What spam?! That shit is delicious!

2018-07-18 [Pied Crow]: Ew, now we have to rely on Google ads and have our history tracked, or w'ever people are saying about them now.

2018-07-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Lies and slander! Not libel! Slander! As a self-proclaimed representative of Google, you better stop slandering my beloved company, IP Address 98.221.77.167! We would never secretly collect data on our loyal users!

*goes back to stealthily following Nuk in his Google Van*

*nobody seems to notice the large, conspicuous van driving slowly through the middle of the diner, occasionally running over customers*

2018-07-19 [Nuktae-tal]: You ever get that feeling... like a bird has pooped on you? *feeds wild macaw the special whilst it sits upon mine head*

2018-07-19 [Pied Crow]: Speak for yourself, Mort-bird! I always have my eyes on big, strong vehicles in places they don't belong!

*stares at the van's tires while completely neglecting the woodchipper/s*

2018-07-19 [Mortified Penguin]: *the van gets a flat tire from driving over a particularly sharp customer*

*abandons it and jumps into his spare helicopter stored in bathroom #16*

*covertly flies through the diner, occasionally decapitating unsuspecting customers*

2018-07-20 [Pied Crow]: I'm pretty sure this is a trap to trick me into saying something regrettable...

2018-07-20 [Mortified Penguin]: Damn furries. You need some Jesus!

*Jesus bursts in and starts slapping the hell out of Yuriona*

"TURN THE OTHER CHEEK, SO I CAN SLAP IT TOO!"

2018-07-20 [Pied Crow]: But, spare helicopters don't have...fur?

2018-07-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Sure they do. I'm pretty sure you're thinking of ducks.

2018-07-21 [Yuriona]: *turns displaying swollen cheeks* I'm a chipmunk!

2018-07-22 [Glassphyxie.]: Ohhh I see. This is a furry roleplaying arena.

2018-07-22 [Pied Crow]: I found this joint because they were talking about sergals four or five years ago, so...

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Yuriona is the only furry here and she's really weird about it. Always trying to yiff people... but the rest of us hate furries and refuse to associate with them or their bizarre fetishes.

Speaking of, I've been meaning to start a spamming campaign on FurAffinity. Those stupid degenerates are probably gullible enough to fall for my handsome lies.

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *grabs a pile of Business Shurikens and a stack of Corporate M-16's and heads off to harass perverts*

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Hold on, lemme post some nonsense first to distract them, so they don't realize this is just a scam to get someone to wash the dishes...

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: There, now they won't suspect a thing!

*runs around yiffing and chasing tails and such innocently*

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: _{^{I spammed like 100 people and the only person who responded was very rude:

Hi, I'm some guy spamming people (unless an admin asks, then tell them I'm just some regular, handsome guy that isn't spamming)! Are you funny? Not funny? Just a gullible chump? I'm trying to get some dumb bastards (that's you!) to go leave funny comments on my wiki, Bob's Diner.

Bob's Diner is Elftown's most popular and successful wiki. What is Elftown? Who cares, that's not what's important here. But to what do we owe our success, you ask? That is a good question. A very good question. The answer is a most intriguing one too. Anyway, be sure to head over to B's D today and try out our new Tossed (in the dumpster) Salad. And be sure to check out our new pasta menu while you're at it. You'll feel silly if you pass up on this Fusilli! You'll be eaten by a manticore if you don't try our Manicotti! And you'll trip and fall far on a trampoline for our Farfalle and Tripoline! Because we'll push you off the roof. We're fucking serious about our goddamn pasta, asshole. This is no laughing matter. Eat this shit, we worked really hard on it and nobody bought any and now it's just going to waste, because all you people ever order is cheap, greasy garbage, you uncivilized, worthless morons. I hope you all die. You really hurt Jim the pasta guy's feelings.

This daily Bob's Diner advertisement brought to you by my Meth dealer! Try Meth today!

If you've been invited to this wiki, it means you've opted in to be spammed like twenty times a week with Bob's Diner invites! To unsubscribed to these invites, simply go to Bob's Diner and post "I wish to unsubscribe to Bob's Weekly Mailing List, even though I'll miss out on all sorts of amazing deals! Just kidding, don't opt me out, I wish to receive even more updates, because I just can't get enough of Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet! Now starting at only $4.7 million! WARNING: Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet may not be food, but rather a stack of corpses and silverware that we wanted to get rid of. It's still probably worth the price though." and you'll be unsubscribed!

. . . if you do spam indeed i will directly block you -_-

Despite my handsomeness?!

....i not readed it at all and aperently your trying to joke around or trying to make people mad for your own fun?....look ask yourself this....is it worth your life time making others thear life horrible and get nothing in return or instead of doing so helping them out and getting stuff in return like favors and suchs...i let you think about it before i might do block you if you spam cause you know im not perfect with what i type and such ( not that i care) but on FA here i am here to just once in a while upload art and not get spammed duo to me being inactive a lot of times) so again think twice or 3 times before you say something not serius to me in the next note cause its up to you

PS: no i not click strangers thear links if its spam

I never spam and I never joke around. Not even sometimes.

don't lie you did say you did minutes ago so last time you gonna behave normal if not i block you dude cause thats no way to make a good impression to anyone

Hi, I'm some guy spamming people (unless an admin asks, then tell them I'm just some regular, handsome guy that isn't spamming)! Are you funny? Not funny? Just a gullible chump? I'm trying to get some dumb bastards (that's you!) to go leave funny comments on my wiki, Bob's Diner.

Bob's Diner is Elftown's most popular and successful wiki. What is Elftown? Who cares, that's not what's important here. But to what do we owe our success, you ask? That is a good question. A very good question. The answer is a most intriguing one too. Anyway, be sure to head over to B's D today and try out our new Tossed (in the dumpster) Salad. And be sure to check out our new pasta menu while you're at it. You'll feel silly if you pass up on this Fusilli! You'll be eaten by a manticore if you don't try our Manicotti! And you'll trip and fall far on a trampoline for our Farfalle and Tripoline! Because we'll push you off the roof. We're fucking serious about our goddamn pasta, asshole. This is no laughing matter. Eat this shit, we worked really hard on it and nobody bought any and now it's just going to waste, because all you people ever order is cheap, greasy garbage, you uncivilized, worthless morons. I hope you all die. You really hurt Jim the pasta guy's feelings.

This daily Bob's Diner advertisement brought to you by my Meth dealer! Try Meth today!

If you've been invited to this wiki, it means you've opted in to be spammed like twenty times a week with Bob's Diner invites! To unsubscribed to these invites, simply go to Bob's Diner and post "I wish to unsubscribe to Bob's Weekly Mailing List, even though I'll miss out on all sorts of amazing deals! Just kidding, don't opt me out, I wish to receive even more updates, because I just can't get enough of Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet! Now starting at only $4.7 million! WARNING: Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet may not be food, but rather a stack of corpses and silverware that we wanted to get rid of. It's still probably worth the price though." and you'll be unsubscribed!

this is what you sended me and it says you spam sp proof already given pal

You photoshopped that.

no i copy and pasted it -_- wel i guess your just thinking your funny but arent have a nice time being blocked}}

2018-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: And then he blocked me for no reason. <img:44166_1164145087.gif>

2018-07-23 [Pied Crow]: Aren't those guys so nice? That one didn't cuss at all!

Uh, l mean, um! They're so weird and disgusting and way too expressive!

*steps away from the van*

2018-07-23 [Mortified Penguin]: HEY, DON'T MAKE FUN OF OUR FURRY FRIENDS! *shoves Crow into a trash compactor*

We respect all disabilities and illnesses here. Except Parkinson's, that's just a bunch of bullshit.

2018-07-23 [Yuriona]: I'm not a furry nor am I into yiffing. I like leather but that's completely different.

2018-07-23 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't lie to me, pervert! I know what you're all about! Don't think I didn't see what you did to that coon skin cap! *points at a raccoon silently sobbing in the microwave*

2018-07-23 [Yuriona]: I may be a pervert but that racoon is alive. They don't usually survive my attention. That ain't mine. I told you, I prefer leather not fur. Besides, you know know damn well the only good coon is a dead coon. *presses start button on microwave* >_>

2018-07-23 [Mortified Penguin]: COONY JOE!! You monster! He wasn't even seasoned yet!

2018-07-24 [Pied Crow]: Actually, I think I've seen that Lucario avatar before...

*the trash compactor compacts the crow's trashy bones and guts*

2018-07-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure a quarter of the site has a Lucario avatar.

Stop staining my compactor!

2018-07-24 [Pied Crow]: What! You're the one who shoved me in here! Well, whatever, man. I'll just go back to the van's tires!

*goes back to the tires...somehow? maybe?*

2018-07-24 [Mortified Penguin]: I SAID STOP STAINING MY COMPACTOR! *hurls you back into the trash compactor*

2018-07-25 [Nuktae-tal]: *unplugs it to plug in toaster*

2018-07-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Since when have we had a toaster? Why would we ever possibly need something like that?! *angrily hurls the toaster at the head of a customer inquiring about the toast that was supposed to come with his "chicken" (by which I mean "pigeon" {by which I mean "bat"})*

2018-07-26 [Pied Crow]: Hey, how am I supposed to sleep without the hum of a machine against my head?

*goes back, again, to the van*

2018-07-27 [Pied Crow]: Ahhh, a new day!

*crickets chirping outside*

I sure do wish I had the tenacious creativity and endless writing skill of [Mortified Penguin]! If I had, I'd be saying some genuinely funny things right now, I'll have you know. But, alas...instead, I think I'll order one of those pastas.

.........Um... Can this bird get a stromboli?

2018-07-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm no Satan though, he was always our greatest employee... *sighs and stares affectionately at the signed, framed portrait of Satan on the wall, as he lightly traces one of the horns with his finger*

*wipes away a single tear trickling down his handsome, well-chiseled jowl*

I know he's still up there, somewhere, watching over us...

*longingly glances up at the attic and smiles*

*a single, red eye can be seen glaring unblinking through a crack in the ceiling*

2018-07-27 [Mortified Penguin]: But anyway, we don't serve pasta here. You're going to have to go to Waffle House if you want something that fancy... *eats ramen*

2018-07-28 [Pied Crow]: I tried going to Waffle House once before, but all they had was salisbury steak.

2018-07-29 [Nuktae-tal]: What a terrible waffle house! *cooks stromboli and eats it.*

2018-07-29 [Sheamus Finn]: I thought this was Pancake Palace? *stares at guards*

2018-07-29 [Mortified Penguin]: Nope, Crêpe Castle.

*one of the guards shoves Sheamus into the syrup moat*

NNNOOOOOOO! He owed me $5!!

*dives in to rescue Sheamus and/or his wallet*

2018-07-29 [Sheamus Finn]: HAhaha, What wallet?

2018-07-29 [Mortified Penguin]: This wallet. *holds up a wallet that has "Pillowthief's Wallet - Do Not Steal" embroidered on it*

*climbs out of the 2ft. deep moat and heads over to the slot machines*

2018-07-30 [Nuktae-tal]: *calls police for my slots being violated*

2018-07-30 [Mortified Penguin]: Good luck, I've been trying to get them to come out here and arrest these loiterers for years now. *points at the pile of corpses on the sidewalk outside*

*gets three turnips in a row on the slot machine*

*turnips begin waterfalling out of the turnip slot*

*sadly eats a turnip*

2018-07-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *kicks the machine*

Man, I never get the radishes...

*gets three turnips in a row again*

*more turnips pour out as Mort begins to weep bitterly*

2018-07-31 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-07-31 [Sagacious Turkey]: *crawls back into his hole in the wall*

2018-08-01 [Mortified Penguin]: This is the last month of the friscal year!

2018-08-01 [Mortified Penguin]: We are currently at an average of only 4.6946107784 comments per day.

2018-08-01 [Mortified Penguin]: 4.7035928144!!

2018-08-01 [Pied Crow]: That's actually pretty good considering that's the same average from the end of the first era. Anthropologically speaking, that is.

2018-08-01 [Pied Crow]: Until we realize a fourth of its contribution was from questionably ethical spamming.

2018-08-02 [Glassphyxie.]: <img:stuff/aj/13979/1533185385.jpg>

2018-08-02 [Nuktae-tal]: What! How dare you insult my delicious spam like that! *cradles a crate is sperm whale spam*

2018-08-02 [Mortified Penguin]: STOP POSTING PICTURES OF MY SISTER! She's really sensitive about her earlobes!

2018-08-02 [Mortified Penguin]: And you stop cradling Misty's coffin and get back to work! GO TAKE THEIR ORDER! *shoves Nuk in the direction of a pack of coyotes that just wandered in*

2018-08-03 [Pied Crow]: If only we had a sack of potatoes...

2018-08-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Unfortunately, all we have are hundreds and hundreds of boxes of potatoes. Also, several thousand empty sacks. :(

2018-08-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Welcome to Mort's insanity how might I direct your passengers this call? * zaps coyotes with cattle prod.*

2018-08-04 [Pied Crow]: Oh, right, um, are those kai-oh-tees or are they kai-yoats?

2018-08-04 [Mortified Penguin]: Kai-o-kens.

2018-08-05 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats erotic ramen*

*gently slurps down the noodles*

2018-08-05 [Pied Crow]: Eagh, how appalling!

*leaves to watch a sergal eat a raptor*

2018-08-05 [Nuktae-tal]: *makes vague raptor calls*

2018-08-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts spraying all the raptors out the door with a fire hose*

SHOES ARE REQUIRED!

*sprays bear mace in the face of an old man soaked from the hose*

NO FREE REFILLS!

2018-08-07 [Pied Crow]: ...? *checks feet*

I never brought shoes.

2018-08-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *a legless veteran rolls up, holding out his cup and inquiring about refills*

Hold on, let me take care of this customer real quick...

*takes his flamethrower off the weapon rack and starts pouring jet fuel into the tank*

2018-08-07 [Pied Crow]: Mort-bird... I'm going to manipulate you by being wary of what you seem to be doing...! Don't you do what you seem to be doing...!

2018-08-07 [Mortified Penguin]: You're right. Maybe setting fire to veterans is ba-

*notices the veteran has grown tired of being ignored and rolled himself over to the soda machine*

*he starts refilling his drink as Mort sighs, takes a shot of jet fuel, and goes back to filling his 50 gallon tank*

2018-08-07 [Sagacious Turkey]: <img:stuff/aj/53406/1533650904.jpg>

2018-08-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *looks up from his debauchery*

Who, me?!

2018-08-07 [Mortified Penguin]: I'll have you know I'm a very pious man! I go to church every Thursday! Nobody else ever shows up though, and I usually just end up huffing glue in the alley out back...

*affixes a bayonet to his flamethrower*

2018-08-08 [Pied Crow]: Uhh, Mort-bird? I heard bayonets are banned around here, might want to get a substitute.

2018-08-09 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-09 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1533774755.jpg>

2018-08-09 [Mortified Penguin]:

2018-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: I should spam more innocent souls...

2018-08-10 [Mortified Penguin]: 21 days remain!

2018-08-10 [Pied Crow]: Spam more tasteful pics and I might have something to say. I don't like hoagies or seafood.

2018-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: SHUT THE HELL UP AND EAT YOUR WASABI SQUID! *jams an octopus down Crow's gullet*

2018-08-11 [Nuktae-tal]: I'm sorry I should try to post more here shouldn't >?

2018-08-11 [Nuktae-tal]: I've been a bad kitty!

2018-08-12 [Pied Crow]: Gwah! Seagullet!

2018-08-14 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts smacking Nuk around*

Why didn't you comment yesterday?! Lazy jerk...

2018-08-15 [Pied Crow]: If it means anything, I had a dream I was sliding around on ice...

2018-08-16 [Mortified Penguin]: That indicates we'll have a good harvest this year. *gestures at the three dead stalks of corn growing out of the urinal by the freezer*

2018-08-17 [Nuktae-tal]: My precious pets! *hits Mort with sledgehammer*

2018-08-17 [Sheamus Finn]: Just as long as my toilet soybeans have been spared....

2018-08-17 [Mortified Penguin]: You put soybeans in the soup?!

2018-08-17 [Sheamus Finn]: Well, there goes my retirement fund.....

2018-08-17 [Pied Crow]: A sad day for soybean farmers everywhere, to be sure...

2018-08-17 [Nuktae-tal]: Better than those llama's I put in there I'm sure! *slams lid down on the screaming animals*

2018-08-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Couldn't you have at least deboned those first? We've been getting a lot of complaints lately about the amount of unidentifiable bones in our soup. *glares at some stupid looking customer, holding a soup stained human skull in their hands, rocking back and forth sobbing*

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: I tried to help spamming, but furries are really mean. :(

2018-08-19 gay: The hell is this, do you just spam furry servers

2018-08-19 gay: Donald Trump rapes kids

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yes, they have the funniest reactions.

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2018-08-19 [Sagacious Turkey]: I keep getting rudely banned from places. :(

2018-08-20 [Yuriona]: *emerges from broom closet and dumps lego barf all over the floor from her scrub pail* Hey! Did you know there's a warp tunnel in the broom closet??

2018-08-20 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, that's where we usually dump bodies/Misty.

2018-08-20 [Glassphyxie.]:

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Yup, that's Misty.

2018-08-21 [Yuriona]: Just how many bodies does Misty have?? I'm fairly certain the walls were lined with them. O_o

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: It only took one to insulate the place. Now we're out of space and have to feed the rest of the bodies to that Misty over there. *points at a massive, grotesque blob pulsating in the corner*

*it gurgles something about "Solo" and "the wookie" before vomiting on itself and passing out in its own filth*

2018-08-21 [Mortified Penguin]: *quick draws his revolver and guns down two new Mistys walking in through the saloon doors*

*a third Misty lumbers in and starts chewing on the bodies, before getting blasted as well*

2018-08-23 [Pied Crow]: Hm, interessant besonders... How do things other than furries respond to your spam?


Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy